How Kundalini Yoga Prepared Me for Tantric Intimacy
It’s never about positions and tricks… it’s totally an inside job
When we first discover tantra, we hear of orgasms that last for hours, incredible intimacy, and the possibility of living in a total bliss-state — all of the time. But how do we get there? Are there books we can read? What positions do we use?
The reality is that tricks and positions might give you a slightly different experience than before… but this isn’t the road to the real magic. The magic comes when we ourselves start to feel infinite and unchained in the world. It is when our past doesn’t live in our present and we have no fears of the future. It is when we know just how incredible it is to be human and alive on this planet… and we bring this presence into the bedroom (and every aspect of our lives).
One of the big parts of my journey to get here was Kundalini Yoga
Meeting our Demons
Making love in a tantric way is our most natural way to be — to flow in pleasure, to love with an open heart, to fully connect because it just feels so amazing. This is truly our human design.
The only things that stand in our way are fears from the past that create blocks and whisper even more fears to us (like little demons). These whispers say that we aren’t worthy of love, that we aren’t good enough, that we don’t deserve pleasure, that we had better perform or this other person won’t stick around.
As long as these thoughts exist within us, we cannot have an exalted, expansive experience. They literally not only limit us but make even an average intimate experience even less than enjoyable.
In kundalini yoga, each class is a specific set of exercises (a kriya) that you do for a particular amount of time. These exercises stimulate the emotions that are stored within the body through movement, sound, and breath. As you are moving through the kriya, the demons will say the same things to you as they say when you are dating or wanting to make love. They will tell you how you can’t do this, how you don’t want to do this, how you aren’t good enough to do this.
And this is a good thing.
It’s good because we know that this is the point of the yoga. We can now look at these old programs in the safety of our yoga mat. There is no pressure. We are not looking into the eyes of a lover and afraid we are going to screw up. It is just us with our eyes closed doing an exercise that is opening up the energy locked in our liver (frustration, anger) and letting us see what’s in there.
We can see it clearly without confusion so that we can own it, understand it, and let it go.
Healing our Nerves with our Breath
So, how do we own it, understand it, and let it go? Through the magic of the breath.
Breathing is literally Spirit flowing through our bodies. This is prana, life-force, divine life-giving energy that flows into us with each breath.
But more than that, when we breathe deeply, we stimulate our body’s parasympathetic nervous system which takes us out of fight or flight and into a healing, quiet mode. No tricks or special training are needed — just long deep breaths.
So, now let’s imagine that you are doing your kriya and an old program of fear has risen. You are triggered. You are sad or angry or grieving. You are tempted to stop what you’re doing and escape this feeling here on the mat (ie. stop the yoga practice) in the same way that we do in life (have a drink, work too much, scroll facebook).
Instead, we breathe deeply. We hold our centre plus these uncomfortable feelings and just breathe. All of our frustration and difficult emotions start to mix with this relaxed mode of breathing and the energy starts to change. Instead of being blinded by the emotions, new insights rise. The emotions stop being so overpowering. We realize that we still exist inside of these emotions. They aren’t who WE are. They are just responses to someone or something else in our life.
We keep moving in the kriya and breathing and we start realizing that we don’t have to run away from hard feelings and pain from the past. We realize that we are actually really strong and can get through this.
We start to realize that although our emotions can guide us and tell us when things are not okay, they don’t own us. We realize that our consciousness is stronger and that we can take the lead here and weave these difficult experiences into our whole being in really positive and helpful ways that create depth of character instead of slowly destroying us.
Every time we get on the mat to do a kriya a little more is understood and released. We become a little clearer and a little happier creating untold ripple effects into all aspects of our lives.
Total focus in lovemaking
Another aspect that connects us with infinity is the ability to focus 100% on what we’re doing. Any dispersion of our thoughts locks us in the limited world. We become small and aware of limitations when our minds are in multiple places — and this can easily happen in lovemaking which makes it nothing more than sex.
And so we meditate — for many reasons.
Meditation can create a new set-point inside for our nervous system so that being relaxed and aware becomes our new normal. If we were raised in an anxiety-ridden home, we will actually believe that this is a normal way to live. We will know nothing else. But when we start meditating regularly, we begin to have visceral experiences of true inner peace and calm. Our bodies start to enjoy this quieter way of being and soon it becomes our new normal (which of course is brilliant in lovemaking).
Meditation helps us to quiet the many voices in our heads so that we can focus on the present moment (or the lovemaking at hand). As we breathe deeply, when thoughts come into our heads, we just let them float through like clouds in the sky. We practise not engaging with them and coming back to our centre. After a while, this becomes the default practice in our minds. As we are working, random thoughts coming through our minds are noticed and then released. When we are talking to someone, we are able to focus on them (assuming we are interested). When we are making love, even if a thought or fear or concern rises, we simply observe the thought (it might be important) and then release it if it is irrelevant to this moment of pleasure.
Meditation also connects us with our true self. It helps us to really exist in our bodies and minds. We often live lives that are based on the expectations of everyone else and so who we end up being is some combination of all the big influences in our lives. Perhaps some of these influences make us more of who we are. But most of the time, we are simply carrying the fears and opinions of others and these don’t actually resonate with us. This makes us hard to connect with because our partner can only see one person in front of them — yet our minds are all over the place. This makes genuine connection very difficult. So, we do the yoga kriya to help us release all of these people from our consciousness and then we meditate in silence to reconnect with our true selves.
The Magical Portal of Stillness
The crazy thing is that these exalted, ecstatic experiences don’t come from increased activity in the physical world. It isn’t about adding physical techniques to our sexual repertoire. The magic actually happens in stillness.
Imagine two people lying sitting with each other in total stillness. This isn’t some uncomfortable stillness. Both people are just happily present. Both have a quiet meditative mind. Both have “done the work” and released many if not all of their fears and programs. They are just two humans happy to be able to have this kind of intimacy with the other.
From this stillness, anything is possible. They could make out and it would be passionate like a couple of teenagers exploring for the first time. They could cuddle and feel the kind of quiet connection of lovers of many decades. They could have wild and crazy sex because that is the inspired energy within them.
Truly anything is possible.
The key is to be able to be happily still. To be 100% present in our own experience. To be relaxed enough to fully connect with this other person.
For me, kundalini yoga was the key element in this fascinating (and sometimes difficult) journey… The journey to the present, loving, and true me.
“Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self.” ~ The Bhagavad Gita
If you would like to learn more about kundalini yoga, please visit Satya Yoga Academy, check out our weekly live yoga classes, and subscribe to my email list to find out about upcoming trainings.