Keeping the True Peace this Christmas

It's okay to avoid conflict... unless we're supporting a false reality

Photo by Nicole Michalou

This article is for those who struggle with family drama at Christmas. Yes, there are families out there who have no family drama or issues most of the time. But for many folks out here, gathering our family of origin together at Christmas is a mixed bag of hope, love, and personality clashes.

For those who desire a peaceful existence and perhaps have real people-pleasing tendencies, these can be very challenging times… or better said, they are times of great personal sacrifice for our own inner happiness for the sake of the group, a parent, or a partner.

Keeping False Peace & Ignoring Trouble

When something goes amok in the family, we people-pleasers don’t share our truth because we tell ourselves that we “don’t want to cause trouble” or that we want to “keep the peace”.

However, neither of these statements is really true.

It is true that we want to experience peace and we don’t want to experience any conflict. But the reality is that WE aren’t causing trouble or keeping the peace - the trouble is already there and there is no peace to keep - only pretend peace, false peace, and hoped-for peace.

But there is no true peace.

We are often creating a pretend reality and acting like it is real. We are pretending that so-and-so isn’t being rude and that nothing is wrong. We are pretending that we are comfortable and happy and that everything is okay.

For anyone on a spiritual journey who embraces following truth, this can be a huge challenge.

On the one hand, we want to follow truth in our day-to-day lives, yet when faced with challenges on the homefront, we seem to have to swallow that truth and pretend something else in order to pretend that everything is okay.

Following Truth/Satya as a Spiritual Path

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom” ~ Thomas Jefferson

The philosophy of following Satya (truth within) as a spiritual path says that the truth is always the answer. Truth is our guide. It’s how we know what step to take next.

It doesn’t make any sense for this to apply to our whole lives… except family holiday gatherings. These gatherings are filled with many people that we often care for most. Hearing our inner truth and following its guidance is what we need most in family situations.

But how do we do it? How do we bring our spiritual path into a group that isn’t on the same path that we are on? How can we get anywhere if they seem unconscious of how their actions are affecting others?

How can we feel safe when we are feeling attacked?

Looking at our Internal Truth

The first step is always being honest with ourselves as to why we are reacting or responding in the way that we are.

In no way am I saying that the person wasn’t rude or unkind and that we are going to assume that this is our problem. We’ll talk about this in a moment.

However, we must be conscious of the high probability that we have old wounds and unresolved issues from long ago that are being triggered. Being family, these people might have been rude or controlling our whole life and we are now simply done being treated this way.

But, we must always be fully aware of what else is going on inside of us if we are to be clear in what we are going to communicate next.

Emotional sobriety is so important in these times.

So, when that “something” happens at your gathering that causes us to retreat, retract, get angry, feel like crying, or want to leave, the first step is closing our eyes and taking a deep breath. We may have to retreat to a bedroom to do this.

Ask ourselves:

• Where am I right now?

• What is the emotion I’m feeling?

• Has this happened before? With this person? With someone else?

• Is this new?

• Am I feeling particularly vulnerable these days?

• What is really going on inside?

This will help us name what we’re feeling so that we can find our centre. As long as these emotions are flying at full speed without any understanding, we won’t be able to respond in a way that will honour where we’re at, make us happy, or help the situation.

Looking at the External Truth

The next step is looking at the situation we’re in and allowing the truth to exist. Perhaps what has just happened isn’t new at all. It has happened every year for as long as we can remember.

Are we telling ourselves a fairy tale about our family or parents? Are we pretending that everyone always gets along and is close and supportive, and then we are surprised and hurt when they’re not?

In the book “The Tao of Pooh” (which I highly recommend), they compare people to the characters in Winnie the Pooh. We all know a “rabbit” character who is always busy planting carrots, can’t stop working, and can’t understand why everyone else isn’t working as hard as they are. There is often an “Owl” character who is always pontificating, controlling the conversation, and always wants everyone to hear what they have to say. There is often an “Eeyore” who is always depressed and sees the worst side of everything. There is a “Piglet” who is afraid of everything, is timid and runs from conflict at all costs. And there is a “Tigger” who just bounces, bounces, bounces, always wanting to have fun and keep things light.

Can you recognize these characters in your family?

The Taoist way is to understand the nature of the beast and accept that nature because if we desire to change their nature, then we will spend our life very frustrated and never actually get to enjoy the real person.

Again, this doesn’t excuse bad or mean behaviour, but it does allow us to tell ourselves the truth about the nature of our family and the folks that make it up.

Taking Action

Here is the big question: Do we say or do something, or just stay quiet? And, of course, the answer is dependent on the situation.

Sometimes, we realize that our family has always been that way and we learn to love the eccentricities and all of the “Winnie the Pooh” characters present. This can bring great long-term peace within.

Sometimes it’s important to make a change. Perhaps we need to sit down with a family member and have a heart-to-heart because the current situation just doesn’t work. The key is to be very clear as to what our intention is.

If our intention is simply to “have them hear us”, nothing good will come from this. If we intend to find a bridge between us, then with thoughtfulness, we have a chance of finding that bridge.

It’s also possible that bowing out of certain gatherings is the most loving thing that we can do at this time.

The key is that we always have choice.

Entering the Arena of Choice

Looking within and around us with total honesty and emotional sobriety is an important process when we feel frustration at this time of the year. We have programs inside that say that Christmas SHOULD be a certain way and people SHOULD act a particular way. While these may be our preferences, it doesn’t always work out that way.

On top of that, we have decades of programming and experiences that often have high emotional loads that are unresolved or perhaps in the process of being resolved through personal practice.

This programming, pre-loaded responses, and the expectations of family/clan gatherings can make us feel powerless and therefore angry or frustrated.

So, finding the balance between accepting what is, honouring our own inner struggles, and knowing that we can speak up if we need to, allows us an arena of choice.

And in that choice, WE exist again. We can observe the situation from our CURRENT CONSCIOUSNESS. We can choose to act or not to act.

We can keep to our centre, hear our truth…

And enjoy the holidays in alignment with who we truly are.

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For more about Katrina Bos’ books, online courses, and 1-1 consultations, please visit katrinabos.ca.