Loving People As they Are

A morning meditation

Photo by Ron Lach

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

Thomas Merton

Why do we want people to change? Why do we want our partners, children, or parents to be different than who they actually are?

I remember once going out to dinner with a romantic partner. In the middle of the meal, he said something that really bothered me. Now, most of the time, I am happy to open a discussion about whatever it is and share my thoughts on the topic (I like to talk and philosophize about things). But whatever he had said bothered me to the point that I was shutting down inside and I realized that I didn’t want to discuss it. He shouldn’t think that way. He was wrong. And that was that.

As I felt my psyche retreating, the thought entered my mind, “Is it so bad that he has an opinion that doesn’t agree with how I see the world? Or does he have to think the same as me? Does he have to be a male version of me?”

Was I trying to make him into a male version of myself? Ughh.

Living in a World of Mini-Me’s

It makes you wonder if this is what we do all of the time - with our parents, our children, and our partners.

If we have a difficult relationship with one of our parents, are we able to see them as separate people from us with their own thoughts and unique paths to walk? Or are we always unconsciously overlaying our psyches onto them, assuming that they are working with the same information that we have, and then judging them for their “bad” choices?

Do we do the same with our children - unconsciously wanting to make them little versions of ourselves? Little Mini-Me’s? Even worse, do we try to make our children better versions of ourselves - asking them to succeed in sports, education, and business because we didn’t?

Are we doing the same thing with our romantic partners? Do we need them to think the same, act the same, and want to live like us? Or can we embrace our differences and let the distance between us create exciting passion and perpetual newness?

If Love is Connection, Who Are We Connecting To?

Many years ago, my first spiritual teacher, Jim, told me that Love is simply how human beings connect. (If you would like to know more about my journey with him, please read my book, What If You Could Skip the Cancer?)

So, if we say that we love our parents, children, and partners, and we are always trying to make them think and act like us… then who are we actually trying to love?

Perhaps, we are trying to love OURSELVES. Perhaps, we are trying to connect with ourselves.

Ironically, when we try to create all of these mini versions of ourselves, we aren’t imposing our WHOLE selves on the other person. We are projecting a photo-shopped version of ourselves onto the other - wanting them to be like us - but often only our positive qualities. And it’s possible that some of those qualities are actually fictional - from a fantasy version of ourselves.

If we actually projected our WHOLE self onto another person, we would have to include our fears, times of confusion, and moments of regret. But if we did that, then we would have more understanding and compassion for the times that our parents, children, or partners have lost their way. We would personally relate to these times instead of trying to change or erase them.

But most of us aren’t connected in a WHOLE way within ourselves. If we live unconsciously, we don’t look at the hurt and struggling parts within ourselves and only focus on the “positive” and acceptable. If we live consciously and are trying to heal those inner parts, sometimes we can become so focused on the hurt and challenges within that we forget all of the amazing aspects of who we are.

Imagine how we could project this onto our partner or children. In the unconscious path, we only want them to be “good” and “positive”. In the conscious path, we may overfocus on what THEY need to change - treating them with the same hyper-focus on the negative as we do on ourselves.

Being Interested in the Other Actual Person

Imagine instead, that when we meet another person, we project nothing of ourselves onto them. We assume that they are entirely different people with different thoughts, dreams, and challenges.

Imagine that we LOVE them - that we are CONNECTED to them. What would that look like?

It could be like exploring a new country that you’ve always been intrigued about. You are curious about their philosophies of living. You want to experience their unique cuisine. You love participating in their festivals because they are so different than where you come from.

Imagine the excitement of your soul getting to have all of these new and interesting experiences.

Imagine seeing your parents as entirely different countries where people think differently than you. Imagine your children having totally different paths than you that you easily may not relate to.

And then in intimate relationships, imagine that you love this person for who they truly are. You love how different they are from you. Every conversation is interesting because you don’t share a brain and perspective.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused — when two become one — connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.” ~ Ester Perel

Ultimately, We Want to Be Seen

One of the things that many of us struggle with is the desire to actually be seen by others.

One of the big wounds we have is our parents not seeing us for who we truly are. They may have judgement and are uncomfortable that we live differently than them. They don’t see us for who we TRULY are - only in relation to who they are. Our differences aren’t embraced at all - perhaps tolerated but not embraced.

In intimate partnerships, we want to be seen as unique and special. We want the person we love to look at us with sparkles in their eyes because they love all of who we are. They don’t love us because we have become something they desired. They don’t love us because we are like them.

They love us because they can feel our soul. They connect with us in our wholeness. We don’t have to hide parts of us or pretend to be like them to be loved. We get to shine in our unique self.

This is when we feel loved.

So what is the next step? To practise loving others in the same way. To fully embrace the unique souls that our parents, children, and partners are - body, mind, and soul.

Perhaps this is the true connection that we deeply seek.

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💕 For more about Katrina’s books, online courses, trainings, and consultations, please visit katrinabos.ca. 💕